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Coping with the Loss of a Loved One

When you experience the death of someone close to you — perhaps a spouse, sibling, or even a child — at first you may feel as though an enduring cloud of sorrow, pain, and emptiness has overtaken your world. It’s important to know that grieving is a natural response to loss. Understanding the grief process can help you cope with your loss and begin to move forward.

“Grief is an individualized, emotional experience,” explains UAB social psychologist Beverly Williams, PhD. “The grief experience can cause both emotional suffering and physical pain, including symptoms such as difficulty sleeping and loss of appetite. It’s important for people to focus on getting support and taking care of themselves during the period of grieving.”

How Grief Can Affect You

No two people experience grief in exactly the same way, and there is no right or wrong way of coping with a loss. It sometimes helps to view grief as a necessary process that a mourner needs to complete before moving on with daily life. The general process of grieving includes separating from the person who died, readjusting to the world without him or her, and forming new relationships.

“When someone close to us dies, we lose someone who helped to define us as a person,” observes Dr. Williams. “Now we may ask ourselves who we are without this person. Bereavement even often involves losing the role we once had and the emotional investment we had in those role.”

The process of grieving can cause many symptoms — both physical and emotional. People who are grieving can often have:

  • a tendency to cry easily
  • loss of appetite
  • problems with concentration
  • difficulty making decisions
  • anxiety and depression

“If your anxiety and depression become severe — preventing you from performing day-to-day activities — this can be the sign a more complicated grief,” explains Dr. Williams. “It’s very important that you seek help from a physician or mental health professional.”

Stages of Grief

Most of the time, people experience stages of emotions as part of the grief process. These may include:

  • Disbelief — You may find it hard to believe the death has occurred; you may feel stunned and numb.
  • Yearning — During this period, you may experience separation anxiety and have trouble accepting the reality of the loss. This period is marked by feelings of trying to find and bring back the lost person as well as feelings of ongoing frustration and disappointment at the realization this is not possible.
  • Anger — You may experience anger directed at your loved one for dying or at yourself due to feelings of guilt.
  • Depression — You may have feelings of despair and find it difficult to plan for the future. Also, you may be easily distracted, finding it difficult to concentrate and focus.
  • Acceptance — During this final stage of grief, you come to the realization that life has to go on. You may still have thoughts of your loved one, but they become less intense and frequent. You’re able to regain your energy and identify goals for the future.

“Sometimes people don’t experience all the stages of grief in an orderly sequence, and they may even cycle back and forth between stages for a while,” stresses Dr. Williams. “Also, not everyone experiences all the stages of grief as part of their bereavement process.”

Dr. Williams explains that by three months, most people are no longer experiencing the yearning phase. “And by six months, most people are over the depression involved in grieving,” she says. “For some, the entire grief process could take 12 months. Anyone who is severely depressed after 12 months should seek help from a medical professional.”

What You Can Do to Take Care of Yourself

There are some things you can do for your health and well being during this difficult time. Here are some important ways you can help yourself through the grief process:

Focus on taking care of yourself. Grief is exhausting and can negatively impact healthy behaviors. Try to eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep. Take any medications that your doctor has prescribed, and avoid drinking too much alcohol or using tobacco — these can put your health at risk.

Find a caring friend in whom you can confide. Being able to share your feelings with someone — without fear of judgment — can be comforting and healing.

Join a grief support group. Sometimes it helps to talk to others who are experiencing the same thing you are. Check with your physician, local hospitals, religious groups, and local government agencies to find a support group near you.

Don’t make any major changes right away. “Making big changes too soon after a loss — like moving or changing jobs — can interfere with the necessary work of grieving,” says Dr. Williams.

Visit your doctor. If you’re having trouble handling your day-to-day activities — like getting dressed and preparing meals — you should report such changes to your doctor.

Article last updated: May 5, 2009 10:34 AM